From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling the cube to carry random obscure video games again into the sunshine. In the present day, intercourse and physics puzzles meet for a quickie in an oddly acquainted place. From Half-Life to No Life, welcome to Metropolis 17. It is sleazier right here…
Ever performed a kind of video games the place you simply must pause, attain for a Submit-It observe and write “THIS IS NOT A FEVER DREAM” as a comforting reminder for the following time you want it? Meet Venus Hostage, a porn sport despatched from Russia with love. I would joke about it possibly making extra sense after downing a bottle of Vodka, however that might be low-cost. I am not nonetheless saying it would not assist…
Venus Hostage is the Georgian Police of porn video games—although there’s nearly no intercourse in it, and essentially the most graphic scene is within the intro. It is an journey. It is a puzzle sport. Typically it tries to be extra formidable, and people sections are lovable. Begin to end although, it is a sport that’ll have you ever blinking on the display till tears stream down your face. Venus Hostage pitches its tent in that good bad-game buffer zone the place the creators appeared to have enthusiasm however nonetheless made… properly… this.
This is the trailer for Venus Hostage, although I would maintain fireplace for the second because it does give away a variety of the sport, with out really giving any thought of what the blessed factor really is. It is a pretty quick sport.
It begins with a boy and a woman. His identify is Jack, hers is Unknown. A minimum of, within the random web chat that begins the sport off. Jack merely goes over to his laptop, and this occurs. This or a Reminiscence Entry Violation crash, anyway. (That occurs lots.)
Now, I am no skilled at on-line courting or something—tried it as soon as, surrender after a promising collection of exchanges ended with “I would love to fulfill up, however I made a decision this week I am shifting to Norway :-(“—however this appears to have a couple of warning lights. An nameless girl/gentlemean contacts you, already is aware of the place you reside, and needs to fulfill up in a desolate a part of city the place refugees choose to go away that he/she is aware of is quarter-hour away?
That is most likely not a blind date price making, except your fetish is being robbed and left in a ditch. And whether it is, hey, I am not judging. I am simply saying that if I ever purchase you a brand new calendar for Christmas, I will be providing you with the pages on a month-by-month foundation to keep away from being wasteful.
After I say it is a each desolate a part of city and Metropolis 17, I’m not kidding.
After a fast tutorial within the artwork of shifting, selecting issues up, and discovering one in all six attractive postcards, the mysterious lady bounces into view. Her identify is Mila, she has breasts that consistently transfer round like water balloons filled with custard, and if that seems like an un-gentlemanly remark, it is nothing in comparison with our Jack.
As quickly as she steps up, his eyes slam straight to her ft and as much as get the total approving image, and he spends the following jiffy with them locked tightly on her bottom. Most likely not attempting to learn the sticker on her proper buttock. Which says Ice-Iceberg.
No thought why. Maybe in honour of the maiden voyage of the Assanic.
Mila invitations Jack to a close-by condominium owned by one in all her pals, which she guarantees is empty, and asks if he’d like some espresso. He says that he would, nevertheless it seems that what she really meant was intercourse.
We do not discover out if Jack was upset about this, or if there was a fast chat about possibly coming out to at the least get some tea-bags or one thing. I am simply saying, that if espresso is obtainable, it solely appears affordable that espresso be offered. On the spot, if mandatory. However no, there isn’t a espresso. Nor will the promised espresso ever seem, except it is in a secret space I did not discover. Like a cabinet.
Intercourse over (which is thirsty work, and cause for promised espresso to be offered), the 2 take the time to dress and collapse in post-coital afterglow bliss… for some cause, Jack hanging over the sting of the mattress, regardless of it being a fairly comfy-looking double. From this, we now have to imagine that one thing occurred on the opposite aspect, maybe Jack’s weak bladder spoiling the temper.
Anyway, it is at this level {that a} gimp with a baseball bat reveals up.
Shocking no person wise sufficient to not make sex-dates with nameless strangers over the web, however coming as a little bit of a shock to Jack, he wakes up in a decrepit locked room together with his garments on, however no thought what simply occurred.
There is a mattress. A TV. A safety digital camera. And a VCR maintaining a theme that this sport was neither programmed nor based mostly on something from the present millennium.
With the door firmly locked and nearly nothing within the room really interactive, clearly the one factor to do is pop within the videotape and see if it has any solutions.
And it does, if the query is “What sort of fiend may very well be masterminding a kidnapping like this?” so the reply may be “Jigsaw, with boobs.”
“Welcome to our present!” says the woman, Stella, “In case you’re boy, I will be good to you.” She then offers him his first of many twisted duties… to restore the mattress within the room by stacking bricks below it.
Is that this a fetish I am not conscious of? Are there web sites on the market devoted to completely dressed folks performing mundane duties, for individuals who’d like to look at voyeurism porn, however are involved about being smote from on-high with a lightning bolt?
Or possibly it is how dominatrices get began. After intensive coaching they will be able to have folks lick their boots or no matter, however to start out with it is all “Oh sure. Reprogram that video recorder, you unhealthy boy…” and “Assist me unpack my buying, loathsome worm.”
Stacking some bricks below a mattress that is not merely damaged however actively levitating appears to please Stella although, and she or he reveals up in individual to… uh… one thing rapey. Jack blacks out a few instances, with the dialog restricted just about to “Who’re you? The place is Mila?” “My identify is Stella. Neglect about her. Or am I not adequate for you?” And so forth and so forth.
With out desirous to wreck the story, Stella is accountable for what is going on on right here, and sure, she wears that outfit for your complete sport. Now, a part of operating your individual enterprise/snuff porn empire is attending to put on no matter you want, even when it means taking Informal Friday to a complete new degree. Floss bikini and knee-high boots cannot be snug although, particularly when dealing with the admin aspect. Efficiency evaluations are awkward sufficient at one of the best of instances, and after a day at a desk, that G-String goes to rise excessive sufficient to take a complete group of hook-handed proctologists to get again out.
Now, if Stella enjoys carrying that outfit to work, honest sufficient. As a contemporary businesswoman, that’s clearly her selection. It does appear moderately a spring/autumn type of sluttiness although, with summer time more likely to spoil the impact each time she sticks into her chair, and winter that means all of the chafing. However I am certain she’s thought of that, and introduced in appropriate alternate options. In winter for example, possibly she nonetheless involves work in an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weenie bikini, however {couples} it with an enormous pair of furry thermal underpants. In any case, no sense risking all-out pneumonia if you may get away with merely freezing your tits off.
Introductory probable-unconscious-raping over with, Stella departs, leaving Jack a observe below the door in order that he has one thing to look ahead to when she returns. That observe… says this…
A toy? Properly, toys are enjoyable? Proper? Proper?
…
Oh, no, you misunderstand. These … weren’t for what it’s, prostate-quivering as the thought is. No, it is for what occurs subsequent. Clearly, Jack decides that ‘escape’ is an efficient factor to strive at this level. And the way do you escape? Glad you requested. You escape by selecting up the motorised dildo…
And ripping down the naughty poster on the wall…
And busting by way of it with the dildo…
To flee to right here…
To make clear. Sure. The primary puzzle within the sport is utilizing a motorised dildo to actually fuck your method into the villain’s again passage. It is a factor that occurs in a sport that exists and is actual.
Now you see why the Submit-It observe turns out to be useful?
At this level, Venus Hostage turns into lots tamer—a puzzle sport that solely compares to the likes of Portal in that they are utterly incomparable. Not one of the puzzles require any brainpower in any respect. The primary, on this hall, includes the trail being blocked by a kind of electric-wires-in-water-puddle affairs which are much more frequent in video games than wherever else. The answer is to select up a hammer mendacity simply subsequent to {an electrical} field, smash it open, and use a lever additionally sitting proper subsequent to it to change off the facility. It is a puzzle solely within the sense that you simply is likely to be held up for a second figuring there has to be extra to it.
One other thrilling puzzle? This is a sewer that you need to get by way of. Sure, a sewer. Everybody’s favorite gaming location since 1987. Our hero refuses to go close to the rat on the appropriate, and in equity it is large , although he is OK with diving below the floor of the water to search for stuff. The answer is to spray it with steam from a pipe. However how? It is tough, so I’ve marked the placement of the merchandise you want.
This part is adopted by a platforming jaunt round a slum filled with burning barrels not apparently put there by anybody, the place you utilize a rest room plunger to take away the grate from an air duct. Once more, this really occurs.
Venus Hostage then briefly will get again to its porny routes, because the constructing on the finish of the road conveniently seems to be the place Mila can also be being stored prisoner, handcuffed topless to a mattress in entrance of a video digital camera. This appears a little bit… properly… gentle for these guys, whoever they’re, so presumably we simply stumbled into their Dailymotion “Barely Too Scorching For YouTube” division.
Jack involves the rescue by knocking the gimp out with the baseball bat. “So… appears to be like such as you’re a prisoner too, similar to me,” he feedback. “Properly, good day Captain Apparent,” snaps Mila, and whereas I can not present it, the close-up of her torso is really hilarious. Unhealthy artists will typically simply take two large lumps and weld them onto a feminine character as a result of they do not know how breasts really work, however this appears to be like distinctly like a retexture of her mannequin from when she was carrying a shirt and bra earlier on. Full with a surgical procedure kind scar the place the material was earlier that is seen at the least when she’s mendacity down.
Jack is completely oblivious to this although, merely telling her “I am going again to that den, to complete all of it,” with Mila having to counsel that he… y’know… free her first. As if realising “Oh, yeah, I ought to most likely do this,” he does so, and so they have a kiss, after which he runs off to unleash his vengeance.
However first, videogames!
Sure, for some weird cause this sport has a room off to 1 aspect with a working video games console, and two video games: a Tetris clone that does not even go for a GAG-style porn spoof…
…and a top-down shooter the place you play a cowboy within the desert, taking pictures camels. It is like stumbling on one thing Jeff Minter wrote for the cash again within the ’80s that is been stored for blackmail materials.
Having now had, to make use of the standard parlance, ‘sufficient of this shit’, Jack goes on the warpath. Exterior, two goons sit round discussing the runaway, which does not spare one in all them from being bashed with a pipe and the opposite killed by… sure, actually… having an oven dropped on his head, Looney Tunes-style. Others aren’t so fortunate. Why? Two phrases. Shotgun. And, er, blancmange, I assume.
Towards the chances, it is not the worst shooter motion ever… largely as a result of it is among the many shortest. You kill about 4 guys, all with blancmange the place their brains ought to be. (See? Labored it in!)
This is kind of the top of the sport, and if it appeared pointless… it now seems that your complete journey has been one large loop again to the room the place Jack began. And as if the entire “Metropolis 17” factor hasn’t been lingering over the entire sport up to now, guess what he finds when he returns there?
Upstairs is the guts of Stella’s enterprise, on the grounds that everybody concerned with this sport now seems to be completely bored. First up comes the server room, and whereas I am no skilled on the web necessities of snuff-porn, this many servers appears a little bit extreme.
After all, she’s not simply going to face about and allow you to dismantle her empire. Properly, not fairly. She reveals up together with one other gimp, and calls for “Why is it so exhausting to do away with you?” The reply after all is “As a result of your empire is unfold over a metropolis block, you might have a employees of about 10 guys to cowl it, and the final time you tried concerned you turning your again on me whereas inside arms attain and with my penis up your poop-hole. Frankly you are fortunate I did not simply seize your neck in an armlock and squeeze till you handed out whereas considering ‘Wow, this was a extremely dumb plan I had in the present day!'”
However you do not get to shout that. Nonetheless, I do imagine that is Last Boss Time.
He is described within the sport as a “Sectarian” by the way. I am assuming they meant ‘cultist’.
Epic battle time? Epic battle time!
Haha, not likely. You push the servers over, domino-style, and he is down immediately. Upstairs, Stella simply sneers. “What are you going to do with me?” she calls for. “Handcuff me to the mattress and spank me?”
Brer Rabbit could be proud although, as a result of whereas the handcuff factor particularly most likely is not the best thought for somebody who’s more likely to simply find yourself trapped in an empty constructing if her backup plan works, this places Stella able to seize a gun from below the sheets and take goal at Jack as he codecs her PC and thus her empire… or one thing. She goals! A shot rings out!
However!
Mila reveals up out of nowhere to avoid wasting the day. Or does she?! As a result of as a substitute of dropping the gun after killing Stella, she as a substitute simply spins to level it at Jack.
Unhealthy animation? The author lastly remembering that she was the one who dragged him into this within the first place, and due to this fact needed to both be a part of it or know the folks concerned not directly? It isn’t fully clear, or certainly, barely clear.
It is most likely not a good factor although, as a result of once we subsequent see Jack it is with him sitting in a darkish room, with Mila on a tv grinning “You already know, I type of appreciated the thought of this freakin’ present.”
So… uh. Yeah. Your entire sport was primarily a pointless trek to get again to precisely the identical place, which was a really foolish place certainly.
That is not fairly the top of the sport, although. It’s, however heading again to the Essential Menu there’s now the choice to click on on a CD labelled “Not included within the sport.” Doing so includes a wordless quick sequence of Jack apparently happening a date with a woman who by chance forgot to vary out of her nightie within the morning. Simple mistake to make, I assume.
It serves no obvious objective, she’s by no means seen within the precise sport, and I do not see any connection to anying. Is that this Jack’s new life as a recruiter for the present? A flashback to raised days? An alternate Mila? A little bit of music they figured they’d higher use? I do not know. Nor do I care.
What an odd, unusual sport that was.
However an endearingly bizarre one at the least.
And mercifully quick.
